


Fallout

by MsMojoRisin



Series: After Serenity [1]
Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 19:59:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15468900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMojoRisin/pseuds/MsMojoRisin
Summary: Story takes place toward the end of the BDM on Mr. Universe's moon, after the Operative commands the Alliance to stand down.   Fills in some stuff I thought I had to be filled in.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First in my series of post BDM stories. Originally posted elsewhere years and years ago. Chapter 1 was my first fic ever. I've learned quite a bit since then about writing.

 “Stand Down.”

 Nobody moved.  For a full minute everyone just looked at each other in stunned silence.

The voice of the Operative came again.  “See to the wounded, Lieutenant.” 

See to the wounded?  A minute ago Lieutenant Abral Manders was waiting for a Kill Order and now he’s supposed to tend to these people?  The same people who are to blame for some major destruction and bloodshed.  Two ships destroyed and who knows how many good soldiers died because these stupid people used Reavers to try to escape the Alliance.  He exchanged some significant glances with the other members of his unit.

As if he new what Manders was thinking, the Operative calmly repeated the order. 

Shaking his head in disbelief, Manders still couldn’t believe his ears - or eyes. He glanced around the room.  _What the hell happened here?_   There were dead Reavers all over the room with one petite young woman standing in the middle of it.  Manders didn’t like confusion and at this moment he could hardly think straight.  Well, one thing he wasn’t confused about was the consequences of disobeying a direct order from an Alliance Operative. He commed the medical unit requesting immediate assistance for the wounded.   _What the hell happened here?_  
   
“Uh…” he started to address the prisoners but stopped.  What do you say to the people that the Operative was so recently consumed with pursuing and terminating? None of his training had prepared him for this scenario.   “The Med Unit will be here soon.  Lower your weapons and no one will be hurt.” 

Manders looked down the hall as he heard a man’s voice speaking quietly.  The woman kneeling on the floor looked up at the speaker, held his gaze for a bit, nodded, but didn’t reply.  She stood and slowly approached the room.  At first, she looked unsure about what to do but then her expression changed and she radiated calmness and confidence.  As she approached the blast doors she gave him a silent questioning look.  _Is it alright if I come in?_  He nodded his assent recognizing that this woman posed no danger.

The woman came in, her eyes only on the girl. Touching the girl’s face to get eye contact she smiled reassuringly then calmly took the weapons that were still tightly clenched in blood soaked hands.  The clang of the weapons falling to the floor echoed loudly and the noise seemed to rouse the girl from her shock.  She began to shake.  Her shaking was making him nervous.  _What the hell happened here?_

“Lieutenant, please allow me to take her to our ship.  She is young and this has been quite a traumatic experience for her.”  The woman’s voice was not what he expected - calm, cultured, but forceful. The woman’s very sereneness was relaxing him a bit.  He wanted to let them leave (especially the girl) but his fear of the Operative reminded him of his duty.

“Wait for the medical team.  My orders are clear.” 

The girl was starting to whimper softly. 

“It’s okay, River.  Everything’s going to be alright.”  The woman soothed putting her arms around the girl.  Turning to Manders she looked into his eyes. “Please, Lieutenant, she and I do not require any medical attention.  It would be better for her not to be here.”  She looked around at the bodies to emphasize her point.

They moved to leave but he held his arm out to stop them.

“They ain’t goin’ nowhere but my ship which you mighta noticed ain’t leavin’ this place anytime soon.” 

The Lieutenant was surprised – he was so focused on the woman and the girl he had forgotten about the others.   He looked at the man who had silently approached.  He looked beaten but not helpless.

The woman spoke again, “We aren’t going to go anywhere but our ship.  I’m sure you understand that you will be better able to do your job without us interfering.”  The implication was clear.  The girl looked like she was going to break down right there.  Her shaking had intensified and the whimpering was getting louder.  The woman tightened her hold around her and whispered, “Hold on a little longer, Sweetie. You can do it.” 

Manders spoke into his com unit.  “Sir, two of the subjects are requesting to return to their ship.  They appear to be uninjured.  What are your orders?”

Silence.

“Sir?”

“Allow them to return to their ship.  No one is under arrest and present them with your fullest cooperation.” 

With that the woman nudged the girl around to leave.  The girl looked around, stumbled on a bloody Reaver, then slammed her eyes shut. 

“Do you require any assistance?”  Manders was starting to feel sorry for the young woman.  Once she turned around he could see that she was just a kid.  A very frightened kid.

“No, thank you, Lieutenant.”  _Keep away from us._  He got that message loud and clear.

They slowly maneuvered through the bodies, through his men and then out of sight. The girl still clinging to the woman and resting her head on her shoulder.

After they left, the room was silent again.  No one knew what to do next.  Manders resisted the absurd impulse to make some kind of small talk.  His second nodded in the direction of the blast doors.  Manders looked and noticed that two of the group still clutched their weapons.

The man, who appeared to be their leader, also turned to see what they were looking at.  He exchanged a look with the woman on the crate.  With a curt nod, the woman holstered her gun and then gave a stern look to the big man beside her. After some hesitation, and a glance to the man, he laid down the big gun.  

There was a flurry of activity outside – the medical unit had arrived.

 

* * *

 

Inara and River had barely started up the ramp to Serenity when River collapsed sobbing.

“Sweetie, please, let’s get inside.” 

_Get River to Serenity and try to keep the Feds out. I don’t want ‘em on my boat._  Mal had been quietly clear on what he needed her to do. 

She managed to get River into the cargo bay.  With her arm still holding River, Inara closed the airlock doors.  They both sank to the floor. Inara was unable to console the sobbing River as her own emotions overwhelmed her. 

* * *

Captain Malcolm Reynolds stood back to allow the medical unit access to his crew.  He knew he needed help in a bad way but he had to make sure his crew was seen to first.  The Lieutenant was looking like he wanted to talk to him.   _That ain’t happening._   Mal turned his back to the Officer and tried to assess the situation. 

He saw Simon laying on the floor attempting to relay medical information about everyone’s condition.  Jayne didn’t look too bad. Kaylee…well, he wasn’t real sure what happened to her.  Zoe.  Zoe didn’t look good at all.  Wash...  How could he have forgotten?  Wash!   _Oh God, Zoe, I’m so gorram sorry._   He turned away guilt washing over him.

“Here, sit on this stretcher.”

“Huh?”  Mal looked and saw a young med tech motioning for him to sit down.  He sat and passed out.

 

* * *

  
Inara was emotionally exhausted. She hadn’t wanted to give in to the tears that threatened to overwhelm her – she wanted to be strong for River. She didn’t know how long she and River sat on the cargo bay floor holding each other but the fact that her leg was asleep led her to believe it had been awhile.  She took a deep steadying breath trying to will River into calmness.  Her eyes fell to her bare arms and for a moment she was confused.   _Why I am wearing this?_

“Sleeves get in the way.” River said.  Her voice was quiet and little and not nearly as clear as she had sounded when they left Miranda.

Tightening her arms around River, Inara said, “Let’s go see what’s left of the common room, okay?”

River nodded.  They rose and started for the common area but River stopped and turned around.  She was looking in the direction of the bridge.

“He’s up there.”

At first Inara didn’t know what she was talking about.  Wash!  She and River looked at each other.  No tears, just the horror of everything sinking in.

“River stay here.  I’m going to check on him.  He could need help.”  Her voice was rising in a very un-Companion like manner.  “They may have been mistaken and he just needs help.”  Even as she said this she knew Mal and Zoë would not be mistaken about such a thing.  They had seen too much death not to recognize it.   _Oh, Zoe!_

River just shook her head sadly.  “Don’t go up there.”  She held Inara’s gaze until the tears filled her eyes and she couldn’t see.

* * *

 

Inara looked around at the mess that was the common area.  She was alone as River had gone to the passenger showers to get cleaned up.  For the first time in her life, Inara absolutely did not want to be alone.  Usually, she relished her solitude – time alone with her books, her art, and her thoughts.  Now, she didn’t know what to do with herself and she certainly didn’t want to think.   

Unable to think of anything else to do, Inara started to pick up the books that had flown off the shelves.   _Were these in alphabetical order?_   Inara smiled at the absurd thought but she didn’t fight the compulsion to organize the books properly. 

“What the hell are you doing?”

She jumped, startled. So into her mundane task she hadn’t heard the cargo bay door open and hadn’t heard anyone come in.

“Inara?”

She turned to see Jayne standing there. 

“Jayne, I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”

“Are you reading?  Books?”

“No, I’m picking up. I don’t know what else to do.  It just seemed….”  She couldn’t finish.  She couldn’t form any words to explain the stupid task she had to do to keep from thinking.

Jayne nodded seeming to understand.  They looked at each other communicating wordlessly more than they had ever communicated verbally.  He nodded again and looked around.

Turning a chair over, Jayne sat down with a heavy sigh. 

“I don’t know.  I just can’t wrap my head around all this.  I ain’t never…”  He trailed off embarrassed by his emotions.

Inara touched his shoulder.  “I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless.”

“This is so gorram awful and unfair and …. How the hell did things get so bad?”  He didn’t expect an answer. Who had answers for what had happened?

Inara pulled the coffee table closer to his chair and sat down.  “How is everyone?”   _Mal?_

“All doped up and fixed up.  Mal and Simon got the worst of it.  Mal got run through with a sword.”

“A sword?”  Inara couldn’t stop the very inappropriate giggle that escaped her.  “He got stabbed with a sword?”

The giggling was really out of control and had turned to full out laughter.  Jayne looked at her like she lost her mind.

“I’m sorry,” she managed to say.  “I know this isn’t funny but ….”  She couldn’t continue.  Inara covered her face with her hands.  Her laughter had turned to crying. 

Jayne had never seen Inara anything but the picture of poise and grace.  He was a little shocked at the laughing/crying thing.  He looked down at the floor feeling helpless.  Taking a cue from her earlier actions, he put his hand on her shoulder silently offering some sort of comfort.

Inara sniffed loudly and looked at Jayne.  She was a little embarrassed by her emotional outburst.  

He grinned at her.  “You’re nose is runnin’ som’in’ awful.”  He went to the Med Bay and handed her some bandages.  “Sorry, it’s all I could find.”

Inara nodded her thanks.

“How’s Kaylee?”

“They’re clearing out that poison from her system.  She’ll be good to go before all the rest of ‘em.  She’s gonna stick around to keep watch”

They fell silent.  Both knowing the one person not discussed but not wanting to bring up her name.  After a couple of minutes, Jayne had to speak.

“You seen him?”

Inara didn’t need to ask who “him” was.  She shook her head no.  “River says he’s in the bridge but we…didn’t go up there.”

“I think we need to tend to him.”

“Yes.”

“She don’t need to come back and see him as he is.”

“Yes, you’re right.”

With a growl, Jayne abruptly stood up, knocking the chair back.  Angry that the chair had tipped over, he kicked it into the wall.  Mindlessly, he grabbed debris from the floor and threw whatever he could get his hands on against the wall.

“Godammit it all!  Ain’t supposed to be this way.  Not Wash!  Not Book!  I’m the merc and who get’s it?  Our gorram pilot and our gorram shepherd!  Ain’t right!  Just ain’t right…”  His words faded as he punched the nearest wall as hard as he could.  His emotions spent, he rested his forehead against the wall.

Inara noticed the blood on his hand.   She stepped into the Med Bay and found more bandages that had been scattered around the floor.   Jayne didn’t even look at her but he offered her his bloody hand.  She cleaned and bandaged it the best she could.  Then looked up finally meeting his eyes.  What she saw there hurt her heart.  Pain and unshed tears. 

“Nothin’s ever goin’ to be the same again, is it ‘Nara?”

 

* * *

  
They sat side by side on the common room coffee table. Jayne didn’t want to wrestle with that chair again.  He looked over at her.

“No use puttin’ off what we gotta do.”

She nodded unable to speak.

Neither of them moved to get up.

“Hell, let me take care of this.  You stay here with River.”

“No, you’ll need help.  You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”

He nodded glad that she would be there with him.

“Let me check on River and then we’ll ….”

Jayne watched her walk back to the dorms.  He dreaded this task like nothing he had ever dreaded before.  He’d rather be back in that room facing off against the Reavers than face what was in the bridge. 

He got up and followed Inara to River’s room.  She was sleeping peacefully.  He looked at the girl and tried not to blame her.

Inara saw his look.  “It’s not her fault.”

He had nothing to say about that.

 

* * *

  
Jayne and Inara were silent all the way to the bridge.  They paused in the airlock still not seeing the horror inside.  Jayne walked up to the console and looked at Wash.  Inara took a deep breath and stepped in.  She used all her Companion training to remain calm as she looked at what was left of her friend.

Tears streaming down her cheeks, Inara said, “It must have happened right after we landed.  He got us all through but ….”

“Reavers.”

They stood quietly mourning their friend.  Then, Jayne’s practical self returned. 

“I need to get a saw to … you know. Will you be alright?”

She nodded.  After seeing Wash, she couldn’t bear to leave him.   _How could we have just left him up here alone all that time?_

Jayne wasn’t gone long.  All business, he began the grizzly task of freeing Wash.

 

* * *

  
They laid Wash out on a stretcher. 

“Jayne, go check on River.  I’ll clean up the rest in here.”

Jayne left – relieved that the job was done.

Inara sighed and started cleaning up the blood.  She was acutely aware of Wash not three feet from her.  As the tears started again, she wondered how any of them would ever get through this.  She heard a sound behind her.

“Jayne, please stay with River.  I’ll take care of this.”

When he didn’t answer, she looked up.  Not Jayne.

Zoe didn’t seem to be aware of Inara’s presence on the bridge.  Stunned at seeing Zoe, Inara froze uncertain about what to do.  Companions were trained in offering comfort.  They were often engaged at funerals providing grief consolation but this situation was different.  These people were her friends…her family.

“Zoe, I’m so so sorry.” 

Zoe stood with her back to the wall next to the door.  Sliding down the wall, she sat on the floor shaking her head.  Inara took that as a cue that she needed to be alone.  As she walked next to her, she touched her shoulder, and said softly, “If you need anything, I’ll be right outside.”

Zoe grasped Inara’s hand pulling her down to the floor.  Still not talking, not looking at anything but Wash, Zoe’s grief poured out.  Inara did the only thing she could, she held her.

* * *

  
River met Jayne near the passenger dorms. Her peaceful nap had been interrupted by the sound of a saw.  

“You’re awake, huh?”

River nodded not even giving him a look for his stupid question.

“Let’s see if we can get us somethin’ to drink. Tea for you and somethin’ stronger for me.”

They entered the dining area and headed to the galley when River stopped abruptly.

“She’s here.”

Jayne didn’t need to ask who.  The look on River’s face said it all.  Pain, sadness, and guilt?  He didn’t want a drink anymore.  He didn’t want anything – just this day to be over.

 

* * *

  
Jayne was a practical man who liked things uncomplicated and things were about as complicated as they could ever get.  Unfamiliar emotions were running high in him and he hated these feelings – couldn’t push aside the deep sadness that settled over his head and heart.  Twenty-four hours ago he was all on board to do the right thing.  Now that the battle was over, he was questioning the rightness of what they had done.  The price was too high.

They sat at the dining room table in silence.  Jayne was doing his best not to look at River.  Having to baby-sit the girl here wasn’t helping his disposition any.  He was waiting for her eventual meltdown.  Hoping that River could wait until Inara got back before losing it, he glanced over at her and a fresh wave of anger washed over him - better to be mad than sad.   _All your fault.  Preacher’s dead.  Wash’s dead.  Serenity’s near dead.  All your fault._

River abruptly jumped up and put her face in her hands.  Rocking and whimpering she was on the verge of losing control.

Jayne eyed River warily, unsure of what to do.  Inara was still up on the bridge with Zoe and there was no way he was going in there to fetch her.  He did not have it in him to console River.  If she started to get hysterical, however, he could always slap her.  That thought comforted him somewhat until he remembered what she’d done at the Maidenhead and to all those Reavers.

“Calm down, girl!”  he growled.  “Yer agitatin’ me in the worst way with your carryin’ on.”  Best to prevent her from traveling down the road to hysterics.

He glowered at her, silently commanding her to be the hell still.

River quieted and opened her fingers on her face to timidly meet his glare. At the sound of the door to the bridge closing, they both looked to see Inara approaching.

Seeing the look on Inara’s face, Jayne forgot about his anger. “Zoe?”

“She needs to be alone with him.”  Sighing heavily, Inara assessed the River and Jayne situation.  “Everything all right here?”

“She was fixin’ to get all batty on me.”

Inara led River to one of the chairs in the alcove. 

“What do we do now, ‘Nara?”

“We wait.”

 

* * *

  
The three waited in silence.  Inara’s presence tempered Jayne’s anger and, as a consequence, River’s anxiety.  No one spoke. Inara and River sat side by side with Inara absently stroking River’s hair.  Jayne paced and sat and paced and sat.  River counted his steps and tried to project the amount of steps he would take before sitting again.  Her calculation was interrupted by the sound of the bridge door opening.

No one moved or breathed until they saw Zoe walk through the door.  Jayne was most afraid of what he would see.  Zoë always kept him in line.  She was one of the toughest people he had ever known and he had known plenty of toughies.  His respect for her and Mal surprised him since he could count the number of people on one and half hands who had earned his respect.  He was afraid she would be broken and defeated.  He should have known better.

She appeared expressionless.  Before anyone could speak, she immediately started giving orders.

“Jayne, Inara, we’re gonna bring Wash down here.  Then we’ll get some rest and wait for the Captain to come back.  I figure we might need to get with the purplebellies to see to Wash properly.”   As she spoke, she deliberately kept her eyes on Jayne and Inara.   “Inara, I’m suggestin' to the Captain that you be the one to talk with them.”  Not once did she look at River.

Zoe turned to go back to the bridge.  Jayne and Inara followed, leaving River alone.

 

* * *

 

Mal opened his eyes to harsh lights.  Blinking in confusion, he looked around trying to remember where he was.  A second later, the events of the past several days bombarded him.  He wanted to retreat back into sleep but a voice got his attention.

“Hello, Captain.”

Kaylee.

“You alright?”  He asked without looking at her.

“Shiny.”

She didn’t sound shiny.  Her voice was all Kaylee but the tone was off.  He glanced at her.  She was smiling at him – a sad, but sincere smile.

“Glad you finally woke up.  You been out close to twelve hours.”

Hearing that bit of information prompted Mal to attempt sitting up.

“Maybe you shouldn’t do that.  You sure look a mess, Cap’n.”

“Getting’ stabbed with a sword is old hat to me, Kaylee.  I’m practically an expert sword catcher.”  He flashed her a quick smile then noticed Simon on the bed on her other side.  “How’s the doc doin?”

“He was awake for awhile but has settled back into happy sleep once again.  He got belly shot, you know.  Him and me now have somethin’ in common.  Although, I guess this ain’t such a good thing to have in common.  Still –“ 

Mal stopped her babbling by placing his hand on hers.  “You alright?”  He asked again looking into her eyes.

“Thought we were goners.  That’s for sure.  River saved us, you know.  No power in the ‘verse can stop her.” 

Mal nodded not sure what to say about River at this time.

“Zoe?”

“She went back to Serenity couple hours ago.  Medics here told her to stay put but she just gave them a look then left.  No power could stop her either.  She didn’t talk at all.  Didn’t say nothin’.  Guess she ain’t got much conversing in her now…”

He needed to get to her.  He couldn’t even imagine what she’s going through.   _Should’ve listened to me in the first place.  People in our line of work ain’t got no business gambling on happiness like she did.  She lost and now she’s got a broken heart to show for it. Ain’t worth it._

“You heard from Inara?”

“No, but Jayne left almost right after we got here.  He got patched up and headed back to Serenity.”

By now, Mal had gotten up and was moving around the room looking for his shirt and coat.  Kaylee, understanding what he was looking for, got up and handed him his neatly folded shirt.

“One thing about the Alliance, they sure know how to get blood out of clothes.”

 

* * *

 

Mal never dreaded walking into Serenity.  Serenity had always been a haven for him.  Today, however, as he stood waiting for the cargo bay doors to open, he felt dread.  How could he face her?  He wished she would rail and scream and hit him but he knew exactly what he would find when he saw her.  She wouldn’t accuse him or blame him for Wash. 

He stepped into the cargo bay and couldn’t help a glance in the direction of Shuttle 1.  Mal wanted so badly to go there and lose himself in… Shaking his head, he continued to the bridge expecting to find Wash still there but should have known Zoe would have already taken care of removing the body.  The door to the mess area was closed. Peering through the window, he could see Wash laid out on the table. 

Opening the door, he stepped in. 

Zoe had a bowl of water and a cloth and was tending to her husband for the last time.  Wash’s midsection was wrapped in a colorful fabric that looked to be something from Inara’s left behind trunk. 

“Never had to tend to a departed this way but it seems right.”  She didn’t look at him as she spoke.  “I don’t need help for this one, Captain.”

Mal felt an irrational surge of satisfaction.   _She does blame me_. 

 

* * *

Mal wondered through Serenity taking the long was to Shuttle 1.  He paused in front of the closed door debating if this was really the right time to see her.  He was weak in so many ways and he didn’t want to give too much of himself away – even now in this awful time he had to be strong against her charm but he needed her.   _Not need.  Needing someone is …bad._

Knocking lightly, he opened the door not waiting for a response.  Empty.  Turning, he headed down the stairs toward the Passenger dorms.  Jayne was resting on the couch staring at the ceiling.  Seeing Mal, he jerked his head in the direction of Shepherd Book’s old room. 

Nodding, Mal walked on not knowing what to say to the man whom he should have listened to.

Inara and River were lying on the bunk.  River curled against Inara’s side with her back to the wall. 

Mal sat on the step next to the bunk and rested his head on the wall.  His eyes were almost level with Inara’s as they held each other’s gaze.

River stirred, breaking the moment.

“How is she?”

“I gave her something to help her sleep.  She’s…”  Where to begin describing River’s frame of mind.  Thankfully, Mal didn’t appear as if he required a detailed report of her well being.

“How are you?”  He asked the question while staring intently into her eyes.

“I’m fine, Mal.  Taking care of River is good for me right now.”

He nodded.

“Zoe wants me to talk to the Alliance people about taking …you know…taking care of Wash.” 

Mal nodded again now staring intently at the floor. “That would probably be best.”

“Zoe indicated cremation …” she couldn’t finish – couldn’t believe what she was saying.

Mal looked up at her abrupt silence.  He wanted to comfort her and he knew she wanted to comfort him but he had nothing to offer her and he really had no business taking what she wanted to give him.  So, he leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Zoe drifted between sleep and wakefulness.  As she drifted, her twilight dreams took her back to Basic.

_Sergeant Jericho was bellowing at her for her carelessness.  She wanted to leave and kept looking toward the door of the barracks.  The door was open and she really needed to go through but Sarge kept berating her. “Hold the line, Maggot!  Always remember your duty! Hold the gorram line!”  Turning from him, she could see through the open door.  A beach with clear blue water awaited her. In the distance she could see a figure.  All she could make out was a colorful shirt.  With the Sarge’s words still in her ears, she hurriedly walked toward ---_

A hand on her shoulder woke her.  Opening her eyes, she immediately focused on Wash’s face.  She had momentarily forgotten that her head lay on her folded arms which rested on the same table as her dead husband. 

“It’s been an hour,” Inara said gently.

Not taking her eyes off her husband, Zoe didn’t speak.  The sight of Wash’s profile shocked all the words out of her.  Her all-too brief lapse into dreamland made her forget, albeit temporarily, that her husband was dead. 

“You need to have a doctor look at your back.” 

Still staring intently at Wash, Zoe didn’t answer.   _He’s dead oh god how could he leave me he promised he’s dead oh god oh god oh god he’s gone oh baby gone dead_

“Zoe?”

Zoe lifted a hand to acknowledge that she heard her.

“Simon’s not back yet.  I thought River and I would check on him and Kaylee.  River needs to see him.” 

“Check with the Captain.”  She was hardly aware of what she was saying.

“I think maybe you should come with us.  I mean, to see the doctor.” 

“Ain’t necessary.”

“I think it is.”

Zoe turned and looked Inara square in the eye.  “Don’t push me.”

“I’m not.  It’s just…your back is bleeding a little.”

Zoe was barely conscious of her wound.  Her defensiveness receded as she looked at Inara and saw only concern in her usually non-expressive eyes.

“How about if I ask if one of the doctors can come here instead? Mal could use some medical attention as well.”

“That’s fine.” 

“Can I get you anything?”

Inara had asked her this question only about a dozen times in the last few hours. 

“When you get to the MedCraft, might as well check on arrangements for Wash.”

Inara nodded turning to leave.

Suddenly, Zoe was very glad for Inara’s presence on Serenity at this time.  She had helped get Wash…presentable - even offered one of her expensive shawls which they used to wrap around his torso. 

“Inara,” Zoe called out, causing her to pause at the hatch.  “Thank you.”

Inara nodded her head, smiled slightly, and disappeared through the door.

Zoe watched her leave.  She and Inara had never really been close.  Friendly, yes, mutual respect, yes, but they had never spent much time together.  Most of her free time had been spent with…

Turning back to face Wash, she touched his face.  Her hand trembled at the unfamiliar coldness.  Knowing that she would never see him again, she refused to allow tears to impede her last sight of him.

* * *

 

Mal woke in Book’s old dorm disoriented and in pain.  He exhaled deeply as the memories of the previous day assaulted him.  Lying there, he knew he had to get up because there were a million things that needed attending to but he couldn’t move.  Couldn’t think on the huge mess he had gotten his crew in.   _Zoe._   At the thought of her, Mal closed his eyes again desperate to shut out his last view of Wash.  Wash, Book, Mr. Universe.  Three friends whose deaths rested squarely on his shoulders.

Sensing another presence, he opened his eyes and looked toward the door.  River peered at him curiously. 

“I took off your boots.”

“Thanks.”  Mal closed his eyes again.  “Where’s everyone?”

“Jayne’s outside.  Simon and Kaylee are still at the MedCraft.  Inara is with Zoe and Wash.”

Hearing Wash’s name spoken aloud prompted him to sit up abruptly, wincing as he did so. “What time is it?”

She shrugged.  “Daytime outside.  Between morning and noon.”   Cautiously approaching Mal, she offered him his boots.

Nodding his thanks, he slowly attempted to bend over to put them on.  River looked like she wanted to help but he waved her off. After some fumbling and stabs of pain he managed to get his boots on. 

Limping toward the cargo bay, he met Inara.  They looked at each other for a few moments silently assessing how the other was faring. 

Inara broke the silence.  “Zoe needs to see a doctor. I suspect you would benefit from seeing one as well.”

“Doubt if Doc is ready to leave Med yet. He wasn’t even conscious when I left.”

“Mal, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to take River with me so she can see Simon.  I’ll ask the doctor to come here to check on you and Zoe.  Her wound really needs attention and she doesn’t…”

“Want to leave Wash,” he finished for her.

Mal hated the thought of any Alliance personnel setting foot on his boat.  He glanced up toward the direction of the dining area.  His crew needed tending to and he wasn’t about to let his personal feelings get in the way of doing right by them.  Not again.

“Only one doctor’s allowed on my boat.  Try to find the least Alliancey one if’n there is such a thing.”

At that Inara smiled.  “And River?”

“Don’t think she should leave Serenity.”

“Ain’t no purplebellies around if that’s what you’re worried on.”

They hadn’t noticed Jayne’s approach and were startled to hear him.

“MedCraft is parked alone – no other officials in sight.”

Mal looked at Inara and then over to River who hung back near the passenger dorms.  Both were waiting patiently for his decision.

He nodded his assent.  

Inara approached him hesitantly, and quietly said, “I also need to speak with them about taking care of Wash and Shepherd Book.  Zoe indicated cremation for Wash but do you think Book’s order has anything against cremation?  Or should we try to take him to the abbey?”

“How would we get him there?  Serenity ain’t goin’ nowhere.” 

“Don’t think the Shepherd would mind how we choose to tend to him.  I say we keep our crew together.”  Jayne said.

“Need to see to Mr. Universe as well,” Mal said, not forgetting about the friend who died helping them.

“Ain’t nowhere I could find him, Mal,” Jayne said.  “Alliance cleared everybody out.  I mean every body.”

“Inara, see what you can do to find out about Mr. Universe.  He’s our responsibility.”

“Mal, what about the others?”

Mal knew exactly who she was referring to – their friends from the Haven mine.  For a moment he was completely overwhelmed by the extent of his desperate actions.  Pushing his emotions aside, he took a deep breath.  The bodies that now littered Serenity’s hull deserved to be set to rights properly.  He didn’t know who was whom and he doubted anyone on board could put a name to a body.  The Alliance, with all their fancy equipment, could easily identify the charred remains.

“Just don’t want the Operative involved in this, dong ma?  They’re all dead because of him and I’ll be furtherly damned if I’m gonna ask his help for this one.”

“We have to do something.  I’m sure they have families off-world who deserve to know their fate.”

“Do what you have to.”  Mal’s voice was quiet and defeated.  His fight had ended with the successful transmission of the Miranda wave.

Eager to see Simon, River took Inara’s arm and rushed her away through the cargo bay to the MedCraft.

“Jayne, let’s get those people off Serenity.”

“You up for that?”  Jayne gave Mal’s wound a significant look.

“Needs to be done.  Find what we’ll need to get started.  I’m checkin’ on Zoe and then be right up.”  He turned away and started toward the stairs on the other side of the infirmary.  He paused.  Not looking at Jayne, he said quietly, “You know which one is the Shepherd?”

“Already took care of him.”

They had been standing on the steps that led to the cargo bay.  Mal looked into the hold and noticed the fabric that usually covered Jayne’s beloved arsenal wrapped around what he knew to be Book’s remains.  The sight of his merc’s humble offering affected him deeply.

“Only Shepherd I met that didn’t look down his nose at folks.  He was a good one to talk to,” Jayne said quietly.  “Guess he mighta not minded dying for what he died for.” 

It was the closest Jayne would ever come to offering Mal an approval for the whole situation.

“Well, you better see to Zoe.  I’ll get started here.”

Mal watched as Jayne walked through the hold pausing briefly at Shepherd Book before continuing out the airlock into the sunlight.  Mal turned and headed the opposite direction.

* * *

 

Simon woke thinking he was napping during one of his killer shifts at Saint Theresa’s Medical facility on Osiris.  His hand drifted to his wound and he remembered where he was.  For the first time in over a year he was relieved to be in an Alliance facility.  If he had sustained this wound on one of Serenity’s business ventures on the Rim he suspected he would be dead now.  He thought back to his last conscious thought…River safe.  Inara had taken River to Serenity to keep her away from the soldiers.   _Are you alright?_  

He started to sit up but instead only managed a loud groan.

“Dr. Tam, don’t try sitting up.”

“My sister?”

“As far as I know she’s fine.”  A kind face appeared.  “I’m Dr. Ben Pierce.  Your injury was quite serious…” Lapsing into medical terminology only Simon would understand, the doctor explained the extent of Simon’s condition.

“Where is everyone?”

“Unfortunately, the other patients decided they did not require any more of our help and went back to your ship.”

Dr. Pierce looked a little more unkempt than Simon would have expected of an Alliance doctor.  His black hair was streaked heavily with gray and was longer than regulation standards. The man’s uniform didn’t fit properly and gave him a sloppy look.  For some reason, the doctor’s un-Alliance appearance relaxed Simon.

“Am I under arrest?”  Simon couldn’t resist asking.

“I haven’t been advised of any such development.  Are you dangerous?”  Dr. Pierce said with a grin.  “How about Miss Frye over there?  She positively exudes danger.”

Simon looked over to see Kaylee standing silently on the other side of the MedCraft.  She smiled shyly at him.  At first, he was surprised by her shyness then he remembered what they had said to each other before the fight.

“Uh…Kaylee, how is your injury?”

“Weren’t hardly nothin’, Simon. Turns out it weren’t poison.  Just somethin’ to keep a body from movin’.  These Meds here fixed me up right away.”

He started to ask for details on the rest of the crew when he heard, “Simon!”  Relief swept through him as River bounded over to him and gave him a big, almost painful, hug.

“I knew you would be alright,” she said with a smile.  “I didn’t worry too much.”

“How do you feel, Simon?”  Inara asked.

“Like the Captain.”

At Inara’s and Kaylee’s confused look, he explained, “I feel like I’ve been shot.”

Only River laughed at his joke; she was happy to be with him. 

“Simon, do you mind if we borrow your doctor for awhile?  River will keep you company,” Inara said.

Simon and River watched them leave the MedBay.

“River, how is everyone?”

“Zoe’s numb.  Jayne’s bewildered.  Inara’s sad.  The Captain is…” she thought for a moment trying to find the right word. “…bereft.”

“So it’s true about Wash?”

“Yes,” she said sadly.

Simon lay back down and closed his eyes.  The weight of his responsibility in this situation drained what little energy he had.  All those deaths could be laid at his door.

“No,” River said, shaking her head.

“Yes, River!  I took the easy way out.  Hiding on Serenity.  Letting the Captain protect us…fight our battles…” he trailed off overcome with emotion.

Holding his hand, River sat quietly by his side, waiting for his composure to return.

“Has he said anything about…us?” Simon asked tentatively.

“Not speaking about us.”

Simon fell silent again.

River couldn’t resist asking, “What are they going to do to them?”

“I suspect they’ll be brought to the MedCraft.  Ships such as these are equipped with facilities for treating the dead.”

“Not ours.  Them.”

“Who, mei mei?”

“Reavers.”

“Don’t think about them, River.”

“I killed fourteen of them.”

“You saved us.  You know what they would have done to us if they had gotten through.”

River nodded.  Simon could tell that she was still troubled about the battle.

“How are you, mei mei?”  Simon looked at her closely trying to assess her state of mind.

“I’m alright, Simon.”  River met his gaze.  “First time since Beaumonde.  I feel like I’m me again.” 

At Simon’s hopeful look, River said, “Not then me.  Now me.” 

* * *

 

Kaylee walked between Dr. Pierce and Inara as they escorted him to Serenity.  The doctor and Inara were discussing Mal and Zoe’s medical treatment and what he could expect from them.  When their conversation turned to taking care of their dead, Kaylee stopped abruptly.  Unable to listen anymore, she walked off by herself. 

In the MedCraft, she could almost pretend that things weren’t as bad as they had seemed before the Reaver fight.  She thought a lot about her pre-battle talk with Simon.  If they had had that conversation a week ago, she would have been over the moon.  Now…

 “Kaylee, are you alright?” Inara asked.  She had sent the doctor off to Serenity alone.

 Kaylee shook her head, unable to speak.  She had remained in the MedCraft not only to stay with Simon but to keep away from Serenity.  For the first time since she had first seen her three years ago, Kaylee could hardly bear the thought of her beloved Firefly.

 “Sweetie, sweetie…” Inara murmured wrapping her arms around her.

“I keep thinkin’ ‘bout Serenity destroyed.  She’s hurt awful bad but she ain’t dead.  I can’t think ‘bout…”  She looked up at Inara, tears streaming down her face.  “Please tell me it ain’t true.” 

“I’m sorry, I can’t.  I’m so sorry.”

“What happened?  I don’t understand.  Wash, Book, all those people at Haven.  Kids even. I can’t figure it all out.  Why?”  Kaylee didn’t expect any answers for she knew Inara had none.

“What’s gonna happen to our family?”  That thought shattered the last of her barely there composure.

Inara held her tight.  “It’ll be alright, Kaylee.  This will just take time and then we’ll be alright.”

Kaylee didn’t believe her.


	3. Chapter 3

Jayne sorted through the tools that were necessary to remove their Haven friends from Serenity.  Even though he doubted Mal’s ability to take on the physical exertion of the job, he waited for him.  He was going to start the job alone but he figured Mal should have a hand in this one.  After all, this whole situation had been the Captain’s doing. 

His attention turned to an approaching figure.  Automatically, his hand went to his gun.  As the figure came closer, Jayne relaxed recognizing the doctor from the MedCraft.  He then spotted the two figures beyond the doctor.  Kaylee and Inara were talking and embracing.  He was glad Inara was here for hugging duty.  They all sure needed it.

“You were shoulder shot, right?”  The doctor’s question brought his attention back to the moment.

“That’s me.”

“You left rather quickly after the MedAide treated your wound.”

“Other things to see to.”

“What are you doing?”

“Takin’ down the bodies from our hull.”  Jayne’ tone indicated that the doctor’s question was about the stupidest he had ever heard.

The doctor didn’t ask him any more questions about the charred remains on the ship.

“I’d like to take a look at your wound.”

“It’s fine.”

“And you base your opinion on-”

“Ain’t the first time I been shot,” Jayne interrupted.  He turned away dismissing the doctor.

“I’ll just go check on the other wounded.”  Dr. Pierce headed up the ramp.

“Wait!  Let me check with the Captain.  Don’t come inside ‘til I say so.”

Jayne hurried up to the dining area where he knew he would find Mal.  Standing outside the hatch, he hesitated.  He could see Zoe sitting by Wash and Mal crouched in front of her.  Zoe’s back was to him but Jayne could see Mal’s expression.  He looked even more despondent than Jayne had ever seen him.  A surge of anger shot through him at the mess the Captain had gotten them all into.  His anger overcame his hesitancy and he knocked firmly on the hatch opening it only when Mal nodded.

“That doctor’s here.  Same one from the MedCraft.”  Not wanting to walk inside, he stayed by the hatch outside the dining area. 

“Jayne, send him to the infirmary,”  Mal said.  “Zoe, you go on and let him take a look at you.  I’ll stay here with Wash.”

Mal and Zoe looked intently at each other for a few moments.  Jayne never really understood their silent communication but he was getting a lot of bad off this one.  Seeing a rift between the Captain and Zoe lessened his anger and brought the unwelcome sadness again.

Zoe stood and headed for the opposite hatch.  She didn’t say a word as she left the dining room and disappeared down the corridor.

Mal took her post at Wash’s side.  Jayne noticed that he didn’t look overlong at his former pilot.

Not knowing what to say, Jayne closed the hatch and went to fetch the doctor.

* * *

 

Dr. Benjamin Pierce had been a doctor serving with the Alliance for over twenty years.  Like so many, his time spent during the war had severely affected him.  The waste quite simply appalled him.  Offended him.  Nowadays, he could easily identify those who fought in the war.  Didn’t matter what side.  Those who fought had a look about them.  His present patient had that look in spades.

 “I take it from the name of the ship that you were there?”  He couldn’t resist asking her.  The moment he had heard the name of the ship that had been attacked by Reavers, his curiosity had been piqued.

“That’s right.”

“I heard from some of the other doctors who were sent to treat the wounded that it was quite…horrible.”

“It was.”

“Worse thing to ever happen to you.”  He didn’t know why he said this except that there was something terribly wrong here and he wanted to somehow comfort her by reminding her that she had been through worse times.

“Used to think so.”

“Now?”

“Got a dead husband on our dining room table.”  She turned her face away unable to control her emotions. 

He wasn’t expecting that answer.  He got the feeling that this woman wasn’t much for baring her soul to just anyone but the funny thing about strangers was that sometimes you opened up to them in a way you couldn’t with those closest to you.

The doctor silently re-treated her wound not wanting to pry any further.  When he sensed she had gotten herself together he spoke again.

“Wound will still bother you for awhile.  Don’t overexert yourself and it will heal nicely.  An injury such as this I would be concerned about follow-up treatment but you’ve got a good doctor on board.”

She gave him a funny look.

“I’ll send the Captain in.”

She walked stiffly out of the infirmary and disappeared from view.  Dr. Pierce looked around at the mess of the infirmary and resisted the urge to straighten up the place.  The big, unfriendly man had instructed him not to touch anything and he didn’t want to risk being on that guy’s bad side.

As he waited for his other patient he thought about what he knew about this mission.  So much was mysterious.  As a doctor, he was isolated with his own team and not privy to the specifics of military missions.  Yesterday, he was lounging in his quarters when all hell broke loose.  From his experiences in the war, he recognized the feel of battle.  His first thought was maybe a skirmish with rogue Independents.  Rushing to the MedBay, he and his team were treating the wounded when a Sub-Commander informed them that they were fighting Reavers.

He also started to hear rumors that an Operative had taken control of the Artemis, the Command ship, for this mission.  Later, he heard that the Artemis had been destroyed by the Reavers, no less.  Pierce shuddered at the thought.  He had never been certain that they really existed until he had seen, with his own eyes, dozens of dead ones in that room.  They looked inhuman with their disfigured faces.  Even in death, they appeared…furious.  He wanted to take some of them in for autopsies but a man, whom he later learned was the Operative, forbade him from examining any Reaver remains. 

Dr. Pierce couldn’t quite figure out how this ship was involved. The Operative must have rescued them from the Reavers.  But if it was a rescue, why did this ship have dead bodies on it? Why was the Operative so anxious about this motley bunch’s medical treatment?  Pierce didn’t usually drop with the MedCraft for medical aid but the Operative had specifically requested the Command Doctor’s presence to treat the civilians.  Why? There was nothing in the wounds that merited his special attention. 

He was beginning to suspect that the Operative wanted to keep this situation as hush-hush as possible. 

A man limped into the infirmary interrupting his musings.  The man didn’t say anything just sat down on the examining table.

“Captain Reynolds, isn’t it?”

The man nodded curtly.  Dr. Pierce had thought the woman had the look of the war about her but that was nothing compared to this guy.

As he worked, Dr. Pierce asked, “Is there anything I can do for you?  I mean your ship looks like it--”

“We’ll handle it.”

Dr. Pierce didn’t have the slightest idea how they would manage that. 

“Ms. Serra indicated you may require some assistance with identifying the…uh…remains.”

“That would be appreciated.”

“I’ll send over my MedAides to collect them.  We can notify any relatives of their passing.”

“We’ll do that.”

“Captain, I must ask.  What happened here?”

“Just check your CoreTex.  You’ll figure it out.”

* * *

 Inara approached Serenity from the MedCraft relieved that the bodies had been removed.  She hated seeing her desecrated as she was.  For a year, Serenity had been her refuge.  Even living somewhat contentedly at the Training House, she wistfully entertained the notion of coming back to her shuttle.  She had felt at home in her shuttle more than any other place she’d ever lived.  For a short time, she allowed herself to forget the past and live for the present.    That philosophy worked very well for her until she had let someone past her carefully fortified defenses.

Thinking about  _That_  brought her back to the present.  Now, thoughts of the present only brought heartache.   _Alright, so I start living for tomorrow._   Sighing wearily, she walked up the ramp and met Jayne in the Cargo bay.

“They’re ready whenever we are,” she said softly.

He sat on a crate next to Shepherd Book.  Seeing him looking so overcome saddened Inara deeply.  Jayne could be relied upon to be the most superficial of them all.   She wasn’t used to seeing him so…subdued.

He didn’t look up.  “Let’s get this over with.”

“I’ll get Mal.”  There had been an unspoken agreement to take Shepherd Book to the MedCraft first.  No one was in a hurry to take Wash from Zoe.

Jayne sighed, “I’ll get the stretcher.”

Inara slowly walked up toward the dining area - the room where she had so many happy memories.  Knocking lightly, she opened the hatch and stepped in.

Zoe was, of course, at Wash’s side.  Mal was sitting opposite her looking at the floor.  As she approached, he looked up at her.  For the umpteenth time in the last day, Inara called upon her Companion training to calm herself.  The sight of Mal was almost her undoing.

“They’re ready for us,” she told them.  “The sun will be setting soon.  So, it might be best if we get started.”

“Jayne got Book ready to go?” Mal asked.

“Yes.  But Kaylee and I can help him carry--”

“No.  I’ll do it.”  Mal stood and walked over to Zoe.  Putting a hand on her shoulder, he said, “We’ll take the Shepherd and come back for Wash.”

Zoe placed her hand on his and met his gaze.  Her antipathy toward Mal momentarily forgotten.  Tears filled her eyes but she just nodded her head.

Mal and Inara stepped out into the rear corridor.  Closing the hatch behind them, Mal leaned against the bulkhead.  Lifting a hand to his eyes, he rubbed his forehead tiredly.

“Can’t believe we’re about to do this.” 

“I know.  This feels like a bad dream.”

“Yeah.”  His attention focused on her one injury from the Reaver fight.  He touched her cheek, distantly remembering what happened the last time he had touched her like this. 

Inara didn’t move away this time.  She looked up at him also remembering when she had withdrawn so abruptly from his touch.

“Mal…” she said, stepping closer to him.

He removed his hand and moved away from the bulkhead toward the engine room.  “Let’s get Kaylee.”

Inara followed him pushing the entire incident from her mind. 

They found Kaylee in the back of the engine room staring at her toolkit. 

“Thought I might try to work a little but I don’t even know where to start.”

“We’ll think on that later, Kaylee.  It’s time to take the Shepherd to the MedCraft,” Mal said gently.

Inara held out her hand.  Kaylee took it gratefully. 

Taking a deep breath, she said, “Let’s go.”

* * *

 

River prowled Serenity.  It was nighttime and everyone was quiet but not asleep.  River missed Simon but she knew he was relatively content in the MedCraft.  No one knew more than she did what her brother had given up to rescue her.  The medical environment was a comfort to him.  He loved it.  Missed it.  Needed it. Now it was gone.  Now he got to treat injuries sustained by criminals.  Their new family.

Simon was afraid of Serenity.  Afraid of the condemnation from their family. River wanted to tell him no one was thinking about him now.  They would later, but not now.  She didn’t know why she couldn’t tell him.  So many thought raced through her head.  Sometimes she wasn’t sure why some thoughts she vocalized and other she didn’t…couldn’t.  Like Miranda.  She couldn’t understand why her thoughts couldn’t be translated into words that others would comprehend. 

Unexpectedly, she missed her mother - missed her so acutely that she almost sank to her knees.  Her mother wouldn’t know her now.  Would she want to?  Would she care that River was sad because two of her friends were dead.   _Because of her_.  Would she still love her killer of a daughter.  Killer of Reavers…citizens of Miranda.  She stopped her meandering.  She listened. 

Her expression changed from wistful to determined.  She had to go.  Had to see.  She almost ran out of the ship.  So intent on her objective, she didn’t notice Kaylee and Inara sitting on the catwalk.

“River, honey, what are you doing?”  Inara called out. 

River didn’t answer but hurried down the ramp out of the ship. 

They caught up with her.  “River, don’t think Cap’n wants us leavin’ Serenity.”

River turned around.

“Eyes need to see.”

“See what, honey?”  Kaylee asked.

“Them.  Not damaged anymore.  Folks. Free.”

Kaylee and Inara were starting to get an idea of what River was talking about.  They exchanged a worried look.

“River, we need to stay here. It’s nighttime and this place looks as black as black.”

“Stay.  I need to go.”  She turned around and headed into the darkness.

“Should we get the Cap’n?”  Kaylee asked Inara.

“I don’t think so.  He’s with Zoe and I think we can handle this.”  Inara moved to follow River.

“Inara, I don’t think we should.  Cap’n–”

“Kaylee, sweetie, I honestly don’t think Mal wants to deal with River now.  We need to look after her while Simon’s still in the MedCraft.”

Kaylee nodded.  She hadn’t forgotten Simon’s request to look after River.  Her desire to help Simon overcame her reluctance to disobey what she was certain Mal’s wishes would be. She looked out into the night, uneasy about going out in it but River looked determined.  Kaylee was perfectly aware that they wouldn’t be able to stop her once her mind was set on something.

“River, wait!  Just gonna get us a flashlight.  Don’t be wonderin’ off ‘til I get back.”

“We’ll wait for you.”  Inara called out.  She moved toward River who had stopped walking. She couldn’t see her face in the darkness.

 “Sweetie, are you alright?”

“Yes.” 

“What’s out there?”

“Trust me?”

Inara hesitated. 

“You do,” River stated. 

They didn’t speak until they heard the ramp closing.  Kaylee jogged over to them holding a flashlight.

River set off leading the way.  They walked for a long while.  The landscape was barren and rocky.  No one spoke.  As they continued  stumbling over wayward pebbles, Inara’s apprehension began to match Kaylee’s.

“Don’t worry,” River called out. “Almost there.”

“Uh!  What’s that smell?”  Kaylee asked later as they approached yet another rocky slope.

“Them.”

Inara and Kaylee looked at each other.  Even in the dark with the meager flashlight they could read the alarm on each other’s face.

“River—” they both said together.

“Sh!”

As they walked up the steep and rocky ridge the smell grew stronger.  Over the rise they could see a smoky light.

They reached the top.  They first saw that there were perhaps five soldiers standing on the top of the opposite hill.  River recognized one as the soldier in charge from the room at Mr. Universe’s.  No one said anything.  Their attention soon focused on the cause of the smoky light.  A fire burned in a pit that had been dug in a soft part of the ground.  The only sound was a random crackle in the wind. 

River gazed intently into the fire.  Dozens of Reavers were burning in the fire.  The bodies had been doused with some kind of green chemical perhaps to ward off the smell of burning bodies.

Looking across the pit, one man who stood apart from the others caught her attention.  Through the smoke she saw him gazing sadly at her.  She knew who he was.  They looked at each other until another loud crackle from the fire startled her.

River felt Inara’s fright; she saw the man, too.

“It’s alright,” she whispered.  “He won’t harm us again.  Empty and lost.”

Kaylee nudged Inara silently questioning her about the man who stood alone opposite them.  Inara whispered to her.  Kaylee looked at him warily.

The other Alliance soldiers drifted away unable to watch any longer. 

Inara and Kaylee linked arms and silently watched the scene in front of them.  They felt like outsiders as if the only ones really there were River, the Operative and the burning Reavers.

After a long while, River stepped back to join her friends.  Inara and Kaylee parted to allow River to stand between them.  Wrapping their arms around her, they held her close.

Kaylee spoke, unable to contain her feelings.  “Can’t believe these were people.  Regular folks with lives and jobs and families. Easier to think they was just monsters.”

The three women and the Operative stayed until the fire burned low.  With a last look toward the Operative, they returned to Serenity leaving him alone with the ashes.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

Kaylee was sure it wasn’t appropriate to be admiring such a pretty piece of scenery at this time but she couldn’t help it; it just wasn’t in her nature to turn away from a bit of sweetness like the one in front of her. For a brief moment, she allowed herself to become lost in the hazy gold of the setting sun. Back home, she never really paid proper attention to sunsets but, she supposed, living in the black gave her an appreciation for such things. Now, Kaylee thought with a pang, every single sunset she would ever see would bring her back here. 

Kaylee’s tender heart ached as she looked at her family. The Captain and Inara stood close but, she noted, they didn’t touch. Jayne stood a little apart chomping on a cigar looking sad and confused. She glanced at Simon and River standing solemnly beside her. Everyone was so lost. The dreamlike feeling she had been in for the past two days returned. She couldn’t believe that Wash was gone. How could this have happened? What would happen to them? Her world was changing…had changed…and there wasn’t anything she could do about it.

Squeezing Simon’s hand, Kaylee moved a little closer to him. Her heart warmed a little when he squeezed back but chilled again as she saw Zoë approach the memorials.   

Unable to watch as Zoë lit the rocket, Kaylee’s gaze turned downward focusing instead on the rocky ground. Only when she heard the hiss indicating the rocket’s ascent did she look up.     

Even as the rocket faded from sight everyone continued looking skyward in silence. There should be words spoken, Kaylee thought sadly. Why wasn’t anyone saying anything? No words. No comfort. Shepherd Book, at the very least, deserved some bible words but she didn’t know any.

For several minutes, all was still until Inara walked over to Zoë. They spoke quietly for a few moments. Giving Zoë an encouraging smile, Inara touched her shoulder and walked over to Kaylee, Simon, and River.

“Zoë wants to stay here for awhile,” Inara said. “Let’s go back to Serenity before it gets dark.”

Inara walked between Jayne and the Captain until Mal broke away to rest on a rock. Inara and Jayne continued on without him. Kaylee thought that odd until she realized that the Captain wasn’t just resting. From his position, he could see Zoë in the near distance. She should have known that he wouldn’t leave Zoë out here alone at such a time.

Kaylee, Simon, and River followed behind. Simon’s wound slowed their progress but Kaylee wasn’t in any hurry to get back to Serenity. As Simon paused for a brief rest, Kaylee looked out over the mesa disappointed to find that the gold from the brilliant sunset was gone.

 

* * *

After the funeral, Jayne proceeded directly to his bunk. There, he spent his time diligently arranging his personal armory back to normal. Once that task was completed, he found he was unable to stay in his small quarters any longer. Wandering aimlessly about Serenity, he made his way to his next favorite part of the ship: his work out area. After locating the weights that had been flung about the cargo bay, he concentrated on getting his station back the way he liked it. The cargo bay was silent save for the clang of the weights that echoed through the hold.

Once the weights had been set to rights, Jayne felt lost. Feeling lost and confused usually made him all kinds of angry but now the anger didn’t come to him. As a rule, Jayne avoided deep reflection of any kind but the events of the past week couldn’t be pushed out of his mind.

Sitting on the weight bench, he stared at the spot where he had laid out the Shepherd’s body. The spot was almost exactly where Mal and Zoë’s war friend had been placed. Bad spot, he decided. 

Hearing someone come into the cargo bay, he looked up, relieved to see Kaylee.

“I found some of my fine engine wine that survived the crash,” she said. “I think it’d be real nice if we all sat together and enjoyed it.  

“Ain’t in the mood for a gorram party,” Jayne growled.  

When Kaylee’s eager expression turned disappointed, Jayne instantly regretted his harsh words.   He didn’t want to direct his anger to Kaylee. She could always be counted on to find some silver lining and Jayne hoped that that talent hadn’t been killed with everything else.

“Come on, Jayne,” Kaylee pleaded. “Help me and ‘Nara get the dining room set up before the Cap’n and Zoë get back.”

“You really think Zoë’s gonna want to sit with us? With them?” 

“Them? Who you talkin’ about, Jayne?” 

“You know who I’m talkin’ about. They’re the cause of this mess. Them and the Cap’n.”

“Don’t talk like that Jayne. I mean it.” Kaylee sounded angry. “Now come on up and help us.”

Jayne decided to back off the Simon and River subject. “Still don’t think a gatherin’ is what’s called for,” he said following her. 

“It’s what people do. Ain’t you never been to a funeral before?”

At his look, she amended, “A funeral for a family member? Or a loved one?”

They talked as they walked down the steps to the common area and headed to the stairs next to the infirmary.

“’Course I have. Just didn’t see the need for it then and don’t see the need for it now.”

“Well, I think it’s important. We’re family and we gotta stick together.”

Suddenly, Jayne could see so clearly where Kaylee was going with all this. She needed everyone to be together. He didn’t know much about where she came from but he did know the value she placed on this ship and its crew. He decided he wouldn’t complain anymore about the after funeral get-together.  For her, he would even go so far as to not say anything rude to Simon or River. There was no way he could be friendly with them but he sure as hell could keep his mouth shut if it would help make Kaylee not look so forlorn.

He followed her up the stairs until she abruptly stopped just outside the engine room corridor.

She looked back at him tears welling in her eyes. “I can’t believe he’s not here anymore. How can he be here one day and gone the next?”

Jayne’s only answer was a helpless shrug.

“I just don’t understand it, Jayne. None of it. It don’t make any kind of sense to me at all.”

Jayne understood her confusion. He had troubling grappling with Wash’s death, too. He and Wash had never been friendlylike. Hell, they flat out didn’t like each other. Little man was annoying as all hell and Jayne never could see why Zoë found his talkativity appealing but the man was a gorram good pilot. And husband. And, by the looks of Kaylee, he had been a good friend to her.

Jayne wished he had some inspiring words like the kind the Shepherd would say.  “No, it don’t make any kinda sense, but truly, what the Sam Hill does?”

 

* * *

Simon sat uncomfortably at the dining table. River sat to his right quietly, and calmly, sipping tea. Although his wound bothered him some, his general feeling of discomfort arose from the fact that they were all waiting for Mal and Zoë to return from the memorial site. Simon couldn’t decide who he dreaded seeing more: the Captain or Zoë.

After successfully returning the dining room to its pre-crash condition, Kaylee, Inara, and Jayne started drinking Kaylee’s engine brew. Not in the mood for drunken camaraderie, Simon refused the beverage he had never really developed a taste for. His refusal came out harsher than he intended which earned him a wounded look from Kaylee and a deadly glare from Jayne. 

From his seat at the dining table, Simon could see the airlock to the bridge. It was closed, presumably, to keep out the draft but he knew no one needed to be reminded that Wash died in there. As if anyone would ever forget. Simon had always liked Wash. Well, who wouldn’t? The man’s humor had many an unbearable day bearable. 

Sensing his sister’s eyes on him, he stopped his musings. Looking up, he gave her a small smile which she did not return. It wasn’t easy having a psychic for a sister, Simon thought humorlessly. But his thoughts drifted to the question of his and River’s continuing presence on Serenity. After everything that had happened would the Captain expect them to leave? 

Before this mess had started, Simon had challenged the Captain and was ready to leave Serenity. He and River were as good as gone when she had been triggered at the Maidenhead. He sighed. If only she hadn’t gone in there. If only he had kept his mouth shut and not left Serenity in anger. If only…

The Captain came in and sat at the head of the table.  Inara put some food in front of him which he didn’t touch but he did take the drink she offered. Ordinarily, Simon would chastise him for drinking when he should be taking meds for his wounds but Simon was astute enough to know that the Captain would not appreciate his censure at this time. No, Simon didn’t want to draw the Captain’s attention to him at all.

Kaylee went off to persuade Zoë to come in with everyone. After she left, the silence between Mal, Jayne, Simon, and River was close to unbearable. Inara tried to diffuse the tension with meaningless chit chat and finally succeeded in getting Jayne to talk.

Kaylee returned with Zoë. Zoë sat at Mal’s right but didn’t look at him or Simon or River. 

Inara and Kaylee did most of the talking. Simon suspected that they had already planned on ways to keep everyone together for the post-funeral gathering. 

“Kaylee, do you think we might have the com fixed tomorrow?” Inara asked. “I’d like to wave Sheydra and let her know I’m alright.”

“Sure thing, ‘Nara. The coms are the least of our problems,” Kaylee said with a sad smile. 

“After you do that, I need you to spell out exactly what we need to get Serenity off this moon,” Mal said, speaking for the first time since he sat down.

“It’s gonna be a long list, Cap’n.”

“I don’t know how the hell we’re gettin’ outta here with one engine,” Jayne said. “I ain’t mechanically inclined but I do believe we need two to fly. Even Wash won’t—“

Simon had seen many expressions on Jayne’s face but never stark embarrassment at saying the wrong thing.

Awkward silence fell over the room.

“No, I don’t think he coulda managed that,” Zoë said after a few tense moments. She gave Jayne a look showing she wasn’t mad at his slip. “Helluva pilot, he was. ‘Spect he wouldn’t be workin’ no miracles with Serenity as she is.”

Zoë’s statement seemed to be the opening Kaylee was looking for.

Shyly, she said: “Might not be bad to toast on a most fine pilot.”

Kaylee looked to Zoë for her approval. 

Zoë raised her glass first. When the others followed suit, she said, “To Hoban Washburne. The best gorram pilot I ever saw. And the best man I’ll ever know.”

“And the funniest,” Kaylee chimed in.

“And the funniest,” Zoë agreed, emptying her glass.

The crew, well, Jayne, Inara, and Kaylee, shared their favorite Wash stories. At first, Zoë sat silent but as the evening wore on she not only smiled at some of the stories of Wash’s shenanigans she contributed some stories of her own. Mal, Simon, and River looked on not chiming in.

“How did he propose to you?” Kaylee asked unexpectedly.

Zoë laughed slightly, happy at the memory. “Very obscenely.”

Simon had seen death before, especially since he left Osirus, but none had affected him personally. Sure, Great Aunt Miriam had passed when he was twelve but she had been terribly old and quite unpleasant. No, Simon didn’t have much experience with the aftermath of death. He marveled at how people could, at the saddest time in their life, sit around a table drinking and reminiscing about dead loved ones. 

Later, Kaylee tried to tell a Mr. Universe story but halfway into it realized it was a story about someone else. Everyone sat quietly for a moment trying to think of something to say about the non-crew member who died for their cause.

The conversation turned to Book.

“What do you think he did before he was a Shepherd?” Kaylee asked.

Everyone had their own opinion. Jayne figured he was a master criminal repenting for his many sins. Kaylee speculated that his heart had been broken by a beautiful woman and he became a Shepherd vowing never to love again. Inara suggested that he might have been an important businessman disillusioned by his confining corporate life. Zoë thought he might have been an Alliance military man jaded by the war. River and Mal offered no opinions.

Wanting to draw him into the conversation, Kaylee asked Simon his opinion. He shrugged and said quietly, “Maybe he just wanted to be a Shepherd.”

Jayne gave Simon a look which he ignored. 

River finally spoke up offering her own story about the Shepherd. 

“We were fixing his problematic bible.” River looked happy to be a part of a storytelling experience. “There was snow on his roof. Heavy snow that threatened to cave his head in. It scared me.” She faltered clearly unable to communicate what she wanted. Looking to Zoë for help, River said. “Zoë knows. She was there.”

Everyone looked to Zoë for clarification of River’s story. 

“It’s been a long day. I’m turnin’ in,” Zoë said rising from the table.

River’s face fell. 

Without a backward glance, Zoë left the dining room. Simon watched as she stepped out of the dining room and turned right heading in the direction of the cargo bay.

Sniffling loudly, River hastily hopped up from her seat and went the opposite direction. Inara looked hesitantly to the Captain and then followed River.

Simon’s anger rose. He looked up and met the Captain’s gaze.  It was the first time Mal had looked at him all evening. Suddenly, Simon’s guilt was replaced by a powerful sense of defiance. He didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t force the Captain to go out and solve the mystery of Miranda. Everyone blamed River and him but it certainly wasn’t all their fault.

As if he knew what Simon was thinking, Mal’s eyes narrowed giving Simon a warning look. Not wanting a confrontation with the Captain, Simon offered a quiet good night and went to find River.

 

* * *

As promised, Kaylee fixed the coms in no time.  The next morning, after clearing it with Mal, Inara went up to her old shuttle to wave Sheydra.

“Buddha be praised! I’ve been so worried about you. Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Inara said. Looking at her friend’s concerned face, she couldn’t stop her tears. “No. Oh, Sheydra. It’s so awful. I can’t even tell you how horrible things have turned out.”

“Darling Inara, I’ll contact the Guild and we’ll send someone out to pick you up.”

“No!” Giving Sheydra an apologetic look for her unintended harshness, she said, “No, thank you. I can’t go now. It’s just…I can’t leave them.”

“Them or him?” Sheydra asked.

“It’s not about that. I can’t leave them. They are a family to me and they are all in such pain.”

“What about the Guild? They are aware that an Operative has been here and that you left rather abruptly to escape him.”

“I can’t think about that now,” Inara said dismissing that obligation. The Guild seemed far away and not nearly as important as it had seemed a week ago.

She hesitated before asking her next question.

“Have you been watching the news feeds? Do you know anything about a Wave about a planet called Miranda?”

 “I’ve seen it. It was quite disturbing but Parliament has dismissed it as a hoax.” Sheydra looked closely at Inara. 

“Sheydra,” Inara expression was serious. “It’s not a hoax.”

After a few moments of silence, Sheydra finally asked, “Inara, what are you involved in?”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“Inara, I don’t need to remind you of your precarious position within the Guild. If it wasn’t for your aunt…”

“Does she know?” Inara asked.

“About the Wave?”

“No. About how I left the Training House?”

“I’m sure she does. The Guild is aware of it.”

“Sheydra, please tell her I’m alright. I’ll try to wave her when I can.” Inara heard a familiar movement near the shuttle airlock. “I have to go now.”

“But—“

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” 

Inara signed off amid Sheydra’s protests. She stared at the blank screen willing herself to be calm. She would be alright. Hadn’t she been through worse?

“I just waved Sheydra to let her know I was alright.” She addressed Mal not bothering to admonish him for his usual eavesdropping.

“It’ll be awhile before we can get you back,” he said stepping into the shuttle.

“That’s alright.”

“Has she heard anything about Miranda?” Mal asked anxious for news from the ‘Verse.

She didn’t answer him immediately. Walking over to the cot she sat down bracing herself for what she had to tell him.

“The first reports are that the Wave is a fraud.”

“Cao ni zu zong shi ba dai,” Mal viciously cursed.

“Mal, we all know the Alliance isn’t just going to admit to any wrongdoing. I would imagine they have their best people working around the clock to solve this problem.”

“This problem?!” 

He paced the length of the shuttle. Inara could see his anger verging out of control.

“Mal, you have to appreciate that this information will be extremely difficult for people to process. What happened at Miranda is an abomination, but, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I would have trouble accepting it.  It’s understandable that the first reaction would be one of disbelief.”

He didn’t answer. Looking intently at the opposite bulkhead, he stood rigid with anger.

“Mal,” she said softly wanting to calm him. “There are millions of people happy with the lives that the Alliance gives them. They won’t want to believe that the Alliance is capable of …genocide.”

Sitting down next to her on the cot, Mal leaned over putting his face in his hands.

“It’s gotta mean somethin’, Inara,” Mal said softly, desperately. “Wash, Shepherd Book, the others…they can’t have died for nothin’.”

“It does mean something. Maybe people can’t believe it now but they will. This is too big for people to ignore.”

His bent frame begged for comfort. Wanting to soothe his battered spirit, Inara started to reach out to him.

“Why did you leave?” Mal asked softly not looking up.

Her hand stopped just above his back. Inara gave him an alarmed look. Were they going back to that?

“I mean, why did you leave Sihnon?” He asked finally looking up and into her eyes.

“Mal…” she started. She averted her gaze looking down at her lap.

“Wuo de tian!.” Mal’s voice was angry again. “Can’t you give me a ruttin’ straight answer for once? About anything?”

She looked up and met his accusing glare.

“Maybe I wanted to find my place in the ‘Verse,” she lamely offered.

“That’s the preacher’s line.”

“Well, it fits.”

Inara could see that her vague answer was not satisfying him and only succeeded in angering him further but some things were just too painful for words to express. Mal would understand that but she didn’t want or need that kind of bond with him. Bond of pain.

Looking down at her perfectly still hands clasped tightly on her lap, Inara remained stubbornly silent.

Mal got up from the cot. 

“I get it. Maybe if I paid you you’d be straight with me. Or as straight as a whore can be.”

Mal stalked out.

Inara sighed. It always came back to that. 


	5. Chapter 5

 Stalking out of Inara’s shuttle (for, to him, it would always be her shuttle) Mal immediately ran into Kaylee. By her expression, he suspected she may have heard his last words to Inara.

“You got that report for me?” He barked at her. “What do we have to do to get off this gorram moon?”

 “Can’t do nothin’ our own selves.” Kaylee’s voice was a little on the belligerent side but softened as she spoke of Serenity. “I mean to say there’s only so much I can do but I can’t get her spaceworthy here without help and equipment.”

 Mal wasn’t surprised. While he wasn’t a mechanic by any stretch of the imagination, he knew enough about ships and their workings to know that a ship without an engine would never make it out of atmo.

 “We gotta get to a repair facility,” she said. “There ain’t nothin’ I can do ‘bout that engine here on this moon.”

 “Do what you can now. I’ll wave someone ‘bout getting us outta here.”

 “Maybe those Alliance people could help.”

 “Ain’t happenin’, Kaylee.”

 He started toward the stairs intending to go to the bridge but Kaylee’s soft voice stopped him.

 “Please, Cap’n. Don’t make her leave. Not now.”

 Mal kept his simmering temper in check. Only Kaylee thought she could get away with talking to him like that.

 He turned to respond but she had already disappeared into Inara’s shuttle. Sighing he started up the stairs but stopped partway leaning heavily on a bulkhead. He hadn’t meant for things to get so out of hand with Inara. Shaking his head, he continued on. Damn woman could keep her secrets - she’d be gone soon enough.

Trudging up to the bridge, Mal hesitated before opening the airlock.    Taking a deep steadying breath, he stepped inside. There wasn’t a trace of blood or any other kind of gore. Other than the smashed window and missing pilot’s chair, the place looked eerily normal. He went over to the co-pilot’s station and accessed the Cortex. 

 Usually, he didn’t bother himself to watching news feeds. Finding that all stories carried a pro-Alliance stance, he avoided the news to keep his stress levels minimized. He first scanned the major news channels. There was no news about the Wave from the major news agencies but he did find a bit about the Wave in the recent news items. The piece only confirmed what Inara had told him earlier. 

Mal couldn’t worry about that now. He had a ship to get working and he already knew who he needed to contact for help. 

After twenty minutes of waving, he finally got a response.

“Malcolm Reynolds! You ol’ dog you!”

Mal tried to keep his voice light and friendly. “Monty, how the hell are ya?”

“Can’t complain – now that I’m a bachelor again,” Monty said with a wink. “Married life just didn’t suit.”

“Beard looks like it’s makin’ a reappearance.”

“You wavin’ to jaw about my groomin’ habits?” Monty said harshly; the subject of his beard still a sore one.

“No,” Mal said then fell silent. It was difficult for him to ask anyone, even Monty, for help.

“Got trouble?” Monty asked, concerned. “Yer face sure looks like trouble met up with it.”

“Yeah. We…” Mal didn’t know where to begin. 

“Hey! Trouble is goin’ round these days” Monty said somberly. “Didja hear about the brothers Sanchez? Law must’ve clued in on them somehow. Took out their entire operation! Both of ‘em dead. And their mucky dog, too, I heard.”

Mal didn’t want to talk about the Sanchez brothers. Two more on his head. 

“Monty, Serenity’s wrecked and we’re stuck on a moon in the Burnham quadrant. Need to get her out and over to the shipyards at Persephone.”

“Persephone? That’s a trip aways. Ain’t someplace closer?”

“I know someone there.”

“Well, I do know a guy. He was with the 23rd Hawks. Got him a tow-ship. Though he ain’t never had allowance to tow some ship before, if’n you know what I mean,” Monty said with a wry laugh.

“Do you trust him? I don’t wanna be spaced with my crew.”

Monty gave him an offended look. “You think I’d send someone who’d do that? Thought we were friends.”

“Sorry, Monty. Just that the last coupla days been tough.”

“I’ll wave Baba then let you know. How are you on payment?”

“I’m good for it.” He still had his cashy money from the Lilac job.

“Alright then,” Monty said, signing off. “Wave in a few.”

Mal got up and left the bridge not wanting to spend any more time in there. 

 

* * *

 

Several hours later, Monty waved back and told Mal that his friend would be there within a week. He gave Mal the WaveAddress for the Magdalena telling him to contact Captain O’Riley. 

Zoë stood outside the bridge listening to Mal speak with the Magdalena’s captain.

“We trustin’ this guy?” Zoë asked Mal as he left the bridge. It was the first time Zoë had spoken to him directly since before the funeral. 

“Ain’t got a choice. Besides, Monty recommended him and he is a Browncoat.” He said this as if one’s Independent status alone assured trustworthiness.

Zoë gave him a look; Mal knew better than that. 

He started to speak but she turned away before he could say anything else to her. Zoë was vaguely shocked at herself for turning her back on him like that. Wash would be so proud, she thought bitterly.

The next week was a busy one and, for Zoë, it passed like a dream. Years later she would look back and not remember anything about this week except vague impressions of despair.

Mal ordered that everyone get to work de-Reaverizing Serenity and preparing her for the tow to Persephone. Zoë appreciated the distraction hard work provided.  Truth be told, she dreaded the upcoming trip to Persephone. All that time in the Black with naught to do but think. With Wash, time in the Black was a pleasure in so many ways. Now…Time to get to work. 

Inara assumed an intermediary role between Serenity and the few Alliance forces left. Zoë was pleased Inara was there to work with the Purplebellies because God only knows what would happen if Mal had to. 

Zoë, when she wasn’t working, ignoring Simon, River, or the Captain, spent her time outside in the desert. Every evening after her various tasks were completed, she wandered out to the memorial site remaining until the sun set and darkness fell. Upon returning to Serenity, she wandered the ship pointedly avoiding her and Wash’s bunk and the bridge. Some evenings, Inara or Kaylee would find her and just sit quietly with her until Zoë told them to leave. When she slept, she slept in one of the shuttles. 

As promised, Monty’s friend arrived within a week bringing a new window for the bridge. Kaylee had informed Mal that they couldn’t go anywhere without securing the bridge. With no small amount of difficulty, Mal had asked Captain O’Riley to bring a new window. 

To no one’s surprise, Zoë volunteered for the job. Mal gave her a look but she let him know she wasn’t asking. When he gazed at her with that steady look, the one that had got her through SerenityValley, she almost conceded her private battle with her closest friend but then Wash’s smiling face entered her mind. Remembering the reason for this particular task caused a fresh wave of pain to pierce through her. Without another word to Mal, she turned and headed to the bridge.

It was the first time Zoë had stepped onto the bridge since removing Wash’s body. When she first saw the dinosaurs at the console she faltered. She didn’t think she would be able to do it. Closing and locking the hatch, she allowed herself to get lost in her grief. Crouching in the far corner, her grief consumed her.  _Nonononononono_

A quiet knock interrupted her. She didn’t respond hoping whoever it was would go away.

“Zoë? Can I come in?” 

It was Kaylee. 

Zoë didn’t have the heart to push Kaylee away. Other than herself, Kaylee was the one hit most hard by Wash’s death.

Unlocking the hatch, Zoë walked over to the copilot’s station and sat down looking away from the door. 

“I brought the tools…” Kaylee started. She paused looking desperately at Zoë. “Zoë, please let me do this. You shouldn’t haveta…”

“It’s alright.” Zoë turned to look at Kaylee. “I need to do this, dong ma?”

Shaking her head, Kaylee said, “No, I don’t understand. Let me.”

“Some things a body just has to do.”

Kaylee nodded, her eyes filling with tears. “I’m so sorry, Zoë. Can’t believe this has happened. Ain’t right. Just ain’t right.”

“Ain’t right but here we are just the same. Now, if we ever want to get outta here we need to get to work,” Zoë’s tone was soft but she still managed to communicate to Kaylee that work had to be done.

Kaylee left sniffling and Zoë set to work. As she worked, her mind repeatedly played out Wash’s last moments. 

Over and over she saw that damned pole breaking through the window plunging into her husband.  She agonized over what she should have done. She should have ordered him out of his seat immediately instead of letting him rattle on about wind and leaves. Always with the talking. Man couldn’t resist taking time out to verbalize when he should have his gorram mind on his job. 

Dammit! Mal knew those Reavers were on their tail why didn’t he see them? Why didn’t he do something except sit back and let her husband get killed? That was his gorram job as their Captain. She’d seen Mal in plenty close situations and the man was a quick thinker. Maybe if his mind hadn’t been so set on his mission to stick to the Purplebellies he would have paid better attention to his crew. 

Zoe shook her head willing those thoughts away. Wasn’t entirely Mal’s fault. He had given everyone an out and no one took it. Dimly, she wondered if Wash would have chosen that Port of Call if it hadn’t been for her.

Looking up from her welding, she studied her progress. From her position, she spied River drifting aimlessly in front of Serenity. Girl was twirling about as if listening to music. Zoë thought back to her behavior to River after the funeral. She knew all this wasn’t Simon and River’s fault. Still, didn’t mean she wished she had never laid eyes on the two.

As she continued her work, Zoë’s thoughts drifted again. She imagined that the pole had veered a foot to the left giving Wash time to get out safely. The only injury Wash sustained was a mild gunshot graze in the battle with the Reavers. It was the type of graze that left the kind of scar that just begged to be kissed. She built this scenario up in her mind to the point that she almost convinced herself Wash was in the engine room helping Kaylee. Zoë was never given to flights of fancy but her brief foray into fantasyland left her feeling more hollow. Best stick to reality. 

By late afternoon, Zoë finished repairing the bridge window. Kaylee inspected Zoë’s handiwork and proclaimed Serenity was now finally ready to go. As Mal started gathering everyone to get ready for lift off, Zoë wandered off for a last visit to Wash’s memorial. Her act of defiance to the Captain was in honor of her late husband. 

She didn’t intend to stay so long but, on their last night on this godforsaken moon, she stayed until dawn. Zoë didn’t sleep. She just let the stillness and silence of the moon absorb her. Leaning back against Wash’s stone, she looked up at the clear night sky. She wasn’t quite alone; Mal was close. Zoë knew he would stay the entire night keeping watch over her in case she needed him. She resented him for his thoughtfulness to her.

At the first light of dawn, Mal approached. It was time to leave. 

Zoë met his steady gaze still not ready to let him off the hook. She knew she would…eventually. But not just yet.

She sighed and looked over the barren landscape.  There was no life here. How appropriate.  

Zoë looked at the sunrise wishing Wash were here watching it with her. Until him, she had never really placed any kind of value on pretty sights like sunsets or sunrises. As she looked out at the oranges and yellows of the morning sun, she vowed she would remember to notice these kinds of things.

_Jai guru deva om._  

She couldn’t get that out of her head. The words swirled about her head haunting her. All week, Wash’s favorite song played in her head.  _Nothing’s gonna change my world._  Damn him.

Sighing again, she touched his picture.   

“I’m ready.”

 

* * *

 

Everyone, except River, was nervous as the Magdalena lifted Serenity out through the ion cloud. River felt no such apprehension; she looked at the tow ship and saw a kindred ship-spirit. The Magdalena would carry Serenity safely; she liked Serenity. They were both old ships. Classics.

The first evening after leaving Mr. Universe’s moon, everyone gathered around the vid screen that Kaylee had rigged up in the common area. The Captain started to turn it on but paused giving River a significant glance. River was forbidden from being around the Cortex. She didn’t like that. She wanted to be with her family; even the ones who forgot they loved her.

Jayne seemed to take the most enjoyment out of expelling her from the nightly communal watching of news. 

“Move further away, moonbrain,” he said giving away her spot on the stairs behind the med bay. “We don’t know if they’re transmitting subliminal sound, ya know.”

“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,” River said unaware that her voice had taken on a sing-song quality. 

“Jayne, I don’t think that’s possible,” Inara admonished not paying attention to River’s usual ramblings.

“Hey! I’m just playin’ it safe. You weren’t there. She didn’t grab your nuts,” he said glaring at River.

“They slither while they pass,” River said looking defiantly at Jayne.

Jayne looked at her blankly, obviously wishing she would go away.

“Cap’n, she ain’t leavin’. I thought she weren’t allowed to be around when we watched newsies.”

“River, I don’t think I need to explain to you the reasons necessary for you not bein’ here,” Mal said.

He didn’t need to explain. River understood perfectly; her brain was not her own. Someone had made a keyhole of her mind.

As she left, River looked sullenly at the others. “They slip away across the universe.”

Zoë started in shock and gave River a harsh look. River shrank back under Zoë’s accusing glare.

“Well, just slip yourself right outta here,” Jayne said.

River quickly left the community area heading up the stairs to the upper deck.  _Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, possessing and caressing me._  Jayne was an idiot. Subliminal sound… Could they do that? Suddenly not so sure she quickened her steps suddenly not wanting to eavesdrop on the news feeds. 

As she reached the engine room corridor, she paused taking the time to feel Serenity with her feet and hands.  _Images of broken light which_   _dance before me like a million eyes they call me on and on across the universe._  It felt physically strange being towed to Persephone. Kaylee felt it, too. They couldn’t feel Serenity’s heart beating. Needed resuscitating. Magdalena carried them on safely but the lack of Serenity’s usual vibration saddened her. Om. 

_Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe._ River walked down the few steps to the dining room. She didn’t really want to be here.  _Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing through my open ears inciting and inviting me._ Alone. She didn’t like this room so much when there wasn’t anyone in it. Pretty flowers mocked her. Homey but lonesome.

River continued out of the dining room but paused just outside the airlock. Straight or to the right, she pondered. She couldn’t go straight yet.  _Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns._ Soon, but not now. Turning, she tiptoed down the corridor heading to the cargo bay. Before going down the steps, she looked up.  _It calls me on and on across the universe._ Jubal’s hatch was open to allow access to Mother Magdalena and, more importantly, to provide oxygen and heat to Serenity. Umbilical cord. 

Finding her favorite place to lay on the catwalk, River stretched out.  _Nothing's gonna change my world._  She looked out over the empty bay momentarily allowing herself to feel happy just to be on Serenity. To be alive.  _Jai guru deva om._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are from the Beatles’ “Across the Universe” which I, obviously, found fitting.   
> Jai guru deva – Victory to God Divine or Thanks to the Divine Teacher  
> Om – source of all existence that comes from vibration


End file.
